And the stars are my inspiration.

The green that creeps up in each unexpected corner.

The simple silence.

Unpredictable. New.

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You know no one,

and no one knows you.

You trust no one,

and no one trusts you.

You know no one,

and who should trust you?

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The answer is no.

Words spin around inside my head.  But when I run, they all line up. They come at me one by one, crisp,  clear and rigid. I know who I am and I know what I want, with such certainty I can capture it with every sense I have.

Have I been blind from then until now? Leading myself to believe I’m invested in you so you can invest in us? But all the while you’re quietly investing only in yourself.

You’ve conveniently never offered to take responsibility for anything me. Anything us. And us can last so long as you choose. At least I can could on my youth to know that you’re not just waiting until I’m gone to take what I have, take what I’d inherited.

But with careful precision, a murder could slip past with no revenge. Should I be paranoid? No one ever thinks they’re a target. No one ever plans for a spontaneous end. But the thought of helplessness in my alone, own, lonely inability to exist brings me to tears for anyone who has, anyone who will face this reality.

Do we ever really trust? Do we ever really know?

We do all come to our end alone.


It has been a while, friend.

I will not be free.

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Li Bear

11/12/12

Three days past.

Pit in my stomach. My heart sunken.

I leave the closet door open. You’re always welcome in. Looking at the third shelf, I’m torn to not see your green glowing eyes reflect back at me.

Morning comes, I wake up and head to the bathroom. I miss your tireless ability to make it to the sink top for a drink of running water straight from the faucet, just as I reach the bathroom door.

I miss the subtle click-clack of your back claws on the solid floor. I miss your frog-croak meow and your purring reassurance that you’re calm and content.

I miss calling you by name to come sleep on the bed.  I miss letting you under the covers each and every night, for one minute, only to find out its too hard to breath with all those blankets on top of you. I miss then waking up with you above my head, half scrunched to the bottom of the bed so you can have the entire of my pillow to yourself.

I miss that you steal my chair EVERY time I leave it with the intent to come back seconds later.

I miss your ability to take the freshly cleaned litter box and always have a way to make it immediately dirty again.

I miss the silky soft fur on the inside of your front paws. I miss the tiny tick-looking mole above your ear.

You adopted me as much as I adopted you. I needed you to get me through. You were there for the time I needed anything, I needed you, most in my life.

Unconditional love. What are pets for?

I can’t believe that now your life entwined with mine is only just a memory. Your life is of the past. 

What’d I’d give to hear your purr again, your face light up at the opening of a can of wet food. Your health and happiness at the tiny world you lived in. Your soft black fur at my fingertips. Your head nudge for another bit of attention.

I just wish I could have you back.

I miss you tremendously Li Bear.

4 years was far too short.


Am I still with you?

Are you still with me?


Database Error.

I’m still with you.
I am still with you.
I am still with you?
Is it really tomorrow?


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